I act on a variety of self motivations every day. I act on motivations to satisfy my bodily needs. I act on motivations to seek safety in the presence of danger. I act on motivations to avoid pain and suffering. I act on motivations to experience pleasure and happiness. Self motivations are natural and important to preserving my happiness, health, and life.
Care transforms my motivations.1 When I care for someone, I include that person in my motivations. I still act in ways that result in positive outcomes for myself. However, I also consider how my actions affect the person I care about. I am motivated to act in ways that result in positive outcomes both for myself and for the person I care about.
One sign of transformed motivation is accommodation. Accommodation means that I tolerate small imperfections and small mistakes made by the person I care about.
Everyone sometimes makes mistakes.
Everyone sometimes falls prey to temptations.
Everyone sometimes fails to live up to their own values.
I do not expect perfection from myself. I do not expect perfection from the person I care about. I do not turn small imperfections and small mistakes into big conflicts that cause suffering and erode relationships. I instead let go of small imperfections and small mistakes.
A second sign of transformed motivation is willingness to sacrifice. I willingly give up something for the benefit of the person I care about. I do not make the sacrifice because society expects me to make a sacrifice. I do not make the sacrifice because I expect to be repaid someday. Instead, I sacrifice something because I want to bring about a positive outcome for the person I care about. I want the person I care about to avoid suffering and experience happiness.
A third sign of transformed motivation is forgiveness. Seeking forgiveness involves three elements:
- an admission of wrongdoing
- an attempt to make amends
- an effort to not repeat the wrongdoing.
When my imperfections overtake me, and I wrong the person I care about, I seek forgiveness. I admit my mistake or wrongdoing without excuses. I try to make amends. I strive to not repeat the mistake or the wrongdoing.
When imperfections overtake the person I care about, and that person wrongs me, I forgive that person. I accept the person’s attempt to make amends. I leave the incident in the past and do not bring it up again.
If a person does not seek forgiveness for harming me, or I am unable to forgive the person, then at least I do not harm that person. I do not unnecessarily interact with the person. I do not spread negative information about the person. I do not try to disrupt the person’s life.
People tend to have circles of care. A circle of care is an imaginary circle extending around all the individuals that a person cares for (e.g., family and friends). The individuals inside a person’s circle of care receive the benefits of the person’s transformed motivation. The person accommodates, willingly sacrifices, and forgives the individuals inside the circle of care. The individuals outside a person’s circle of care (e.g., strangers and enemies) do not receive the benefits of the person’s transformed motivation. The person might not accommodate mistakes or imperfections, make sacrifices, or forgive individuals outside the circle of care.
Like other people, I have a circle of care. My spiritual practice aims at expanding my circle of care to include a wider variety of more and more people.
People can be very intelligent, in this sense, without having wide sympathies. It is neither irrational nor unintelligent to draw the limits of one’s moral community at a national, or racial, or gender border. But it is undesirable – morally undesirable. So it is best to think of moral progress as a matter of increasing sensitivity, increasing responsiveness to the needs of a larger and larger variety of people and things.