Grief is a common human experience. Social scientists and news reporters have documented people experiencing grief in cultures across planet earth. Writings from ancient times to modern times have described people experiencing grief. Grief has followed human beings to every corner of the earth and through every moment in history.
My mind forms attachments to other people, to objects, to places, and to ideas or values. Some of these attachments are stronger than others. Some of these attachments last longer than others.
Yet, my attachments bring grief. Attachments bring grief in three ways:
- Separation — Being separated from that to which I am attached brings grief. For example, I experience grief when I am separated by a great distance or a long period from a close loved one.
- Loss — Losing that to which I am attached brings grief. For example, I experience grief when I lose a cherished object, or when my childhood favorite store or movie theater is torn down.
- Death — Losing a loved one to death brings grief. For example, I experience grief when a family member or a friend dies. Confronting my own death can also bring grief. My own death represents an end to all of my attachments.
Every time I form an attachment, I commit to grieving at some point in the future.
Why am I willing to grieve for the sake of attachments? The attachments I form contribute greatly to the quality of my life and to my sense of meaning in life. I cannot enjoy the benefits of attachments without paying the price of attachments. I therefore choose to form the attachments and accept the grief. As the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote, “Let Love clasp Grief, lest both be drown’d.”1
People often report the following symptoms of grief:
- intrusive thoughts
- rumination
- crying
- sadness or depression
- anxiety
- anger
- loss of appetite
- sleep disturbances
- loss of desire for sex
- loneliness
- restlessness
- absent mindedness
- disorganization
- emotional numbness
- social withdrawal
- loss of clear sense of self
This is not a complete list of all symptoms of grief. It is simply a list of commonly reported symptoms. People may experience other symptoms of grief as well. It is important to let people grieve in their own ways.
“Recovery” might not be a useful way to think about coping with grief. Grief is not a disease from which people recover. Recovery suggests people will experience healing and return to their old selves and their old lives.
People’s worlds can be forever changed as a result of an attachment being broken by separation, loss, or death. They may never “recover” their old selves and their old lives. They must instead learn how to live in a world that no longer contains the attachment that contributed so importantly to their lives. Adapting to this changed world may require personal growth or finding new sources of meaning in life.
Grief provides an opportunity for growth as I adapt to a loss in my life. I did not want this opportunity. I may experience challenges and setbacks as I grow and make changes in my life. Nevertheless, feeling that I have grown as person while working through my grief sometimes helps.
Finding new sources of meaning in response to grief also helps. For example, my grief may motivate me to join a worthwhile cause or to strengthen my relationships with others. This can give me a sense that something positive managed to grow out of painful and difficult circumstances. However, it is completely okay if I do not find meaning in the circumstances that bring me grief.
Most people cope with grief without talking to professional counselors. However, it is always acceptable to talk with professional counselors when struggling with grief or when feeling overwhelmed by grief. There is no need to struggle alone.
Speaking for myself, I would talk with a professional counselor if I experienced three or more of the following symptoms with little or no improvement after a few months.
- Persistent, intense yearning or longing for the loved one.
- Frequent feelings of intense loneliness or emptiness.
- Recurrent negative thoughts about life without the loved one.
- Preoccupying thoughts about the loved one that impair daily functioning.
- Rumination about circumstances of the separation, break up, or death.
- Frequent disbelief or inability to accept the loss.
- Persistent feelings of being shocked, stunned, or emotionally numb.
- Recurrent feelings of anger or bitterness regarding the loss.
- Difficulty trusting or caring about others since the loss.
- Literally hearing the voice of the loved one (who is not there).
- Literally seeing the loved one (who is not there).
- Intense emotional reactions to memories of the loved one.
- Excessive avoidance or preoccupation with things related to the loved one.
Remember, though, there is no magic formula for deciding when to talk with a professional counselor about my grief. I can always meet with a professional counselor and ask if counseling would be helpful.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson (1850). In Memoriam A.H.H.. Quote taken from Section I of the poem.